To Whom Do We Belong?

I am currently discussing Doris Lessing's "The Summer Before the Dark" in my Brit Lit Class, and reading "Brave New World" to prepare for the discussions next week in the same class. Today I noticed an interesting common point, albeit a small one, between the two. Towards the end of "Summer," Kate Brown, the protagonist, states that "It was as if the rest of her--body, feet, even face, which was aging but amenable--belonged to everyone else. But her hair--no! ...." Kate is using her hair as a metaphor for the transformation she undergoes throughout the book. The ones she feels as though she has "belonged" to previously include her four children (who are now grown) and her husband Michael (who has for many years now been having affairs with younger women). When my eye caught this line today in class, I was reminded of a minimally more sinister sentiment from "Brave New World:" the brainwashed slogan that "everyone belongs to everyone else." In "Brave New World," Bernard Marx seems to be the only character who sees anything wrong with this idea.

Seeing this similarity, it occurred to me that perhaps the reason there seem to be so many problems in relationships today is that many people think they can belong to everyone else--or to merely themselves. It would be hard to deny that as a mother, Kate "belongs" to her children in some form or other as long as they have need for her. Kate's problem is that her children are all grown (except one, but he's almost there), and yet she still acts as if she "belongs to them" as a mother. That is not to say that she is no longer their mother, just that she continues to live her life as if they need her to take care of them when they don't, and it ends up driving her a little mad. Her relationship with her husband, however, is different. Michael is described, in regard to his affairs that he has "delicately" let Kate know about, as a child who has a weakness for sweets but refuses to exert the self-control to give them up. Of course, both of them being into what my professor calls "pop-psychology," this is supposed to be a two-way arrangement that is perfectly acceptable as long as they don't fall in love with someone else. Also, they are not supposed to be jealous of one another. But the fact is, Kate is jealous. And who can blame her? Once Michael starts giving himself to these other women, he doesn't really belong to her anymore. One could almost say he only belongs to himself, since he controls when and to whom he "gives" himself. In a marriage relationship (or any, for that matter), it is unhealthy to say that both partners are free to do as they choose and not only belong to one another. It is just not going to work.

We see this when, sadly, Kate tries a few affairs of her own. They are short-lived, as she is encumbered by her role as a mother and just doesn't have the time to carry on in the way Michael does. She just can't have that cold, uncaring attitude about affairs like Michael does (which effectively has made her lose all respect for him). This business of not belonging solely to one another just will not work.

As I thought about this on my drive home, I thought about the way marriage was set up in much earlier time periods, when a man "owned" his wife like property. I don't think this "belonging" is really the same as that. I don't think one can be owned by someone else just because they are married to them (or in any sort of relationship). It is more of something one gives to the other person, sort of like saying, "If we are going to make this work, I know that I am going to have to belong to you, and only you, and that is what I choose to do." Also, I think about the word "belong" as opposed to the word "own." Belong has the connotation not only of being possessed by, but of fitting in. One definition I found says "to be a part of something else." As in, when you allow yourself to belong to someone else, you become a true part of your mutual relationship. As one-half of a romantic relationship, one cannot belong to two people at once. I think this is why Kate's marriage doesn't work out, and why the World State of "Brave New World" has that feeling of wrongness about it. I think if more people realized that and treated their significant others accordingly, with respect and as if they really belonged to one another, then there would be a lot fewer relationship problems.